Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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