there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
