Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
