well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
