Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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