I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
