I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
