I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
