Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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