Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
