remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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