I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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