I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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