Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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