either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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