Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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