Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
