I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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