if i can run in heels then i can drive
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
