haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
