I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
