so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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