remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
