I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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