Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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