I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
