i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
