I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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