Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
