but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
