I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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