oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
