Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
