i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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