Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
