Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
