she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
