is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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