I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
