so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
True strength comes from lack of pants
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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