My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You smell like a Billy Joel song
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
