there's paper in my vomit.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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