The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
