nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
