Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
