if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
