u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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