we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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