Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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