just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
