You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
