That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
