even my farts smell like vagina
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
